I have never thought much about Mothers Day in the past. As a kid it was the day that you do something nice for your mom- and the holiday where you can get away with giving a gift of just thought. Pretty sure my mom has had multiple gifts from me that were just long letters. From the heart I assure you.
And now as a mom its a day to have my kid make ME stuff that makes me feel special :) I also call Mothers Day, "the day to never miss church because I get free chocolate." Awesome.
Until this year. The Saturday before Mothers Day Logan and I had a rough day. Lets face it- we have had a lot of those of late and they are NONE his fault. I am tired, sore, moody... I am the two year old in our relationship. I put Logan to bed and per usual, sat on the couch and started to think back on our day.
And I cried. I felt awful. Even worse than usual because Mothers Day was the next day and I felt like I did not deserve to have a special day. I did not deserve a celebration. I had been an awful parent.
You may laugh and think all parents feel this way but I have to tell you- my feelings were really very profound. I dreaded mothers day because I KNEW I had not lived up to the roll. I felt so guilty and so low. Since I had just put my kid to bed, and I knew there was no way waking him up would make anything better- I wrote him a letter. A wordy three page letter about how amazing he is, how much I love him, and how I am not honored to be his mother, but rather how humbled I am by the roll.
There is a wonderful Conference talk by Elder Holland where he talks about how we as parents need to remember that our kids are on loan to us from Heavenly Father. Elder Holland is trying to make the point that the Lord will never leave them alone and is with our children as much as he is with us. But what it reminds me of is that the two year old presence in my house is not a sticky mad haired creature- but a son of the most high. It makes me remember how sacred my gift in raising him is.
Every day I spend with Logan I can feel of his potential. Every parent says their child is so "special" but maybe that's because they all are. How more special can you get than the son or daughter of a God? I can feel the Lord watching Logan and His pleasure with my little sons progression. I know how much He loves Logan and it is a love that I can never hope to have, so strong is it.
Writing the letter really helped me. And I went into Mothers Day not hoping to feel special because of a gift I have been given, but to prove to myself and my son that I deserved the honor of having that gift. I have never realized so profoundly that "Mother" is not something I am just because I gave birth. Mother is a title that I have to earn, and I have to keep earning.
Later that night I got a great blessing in the form of Logan waking up (what who knows from.) I took advantage and while I rocked him on my lap I whispered in his ear everything I love about him- how amazing he is to me. Logan sleepily repeated back to me my words and then finally grabbed my face and said, "Ni-ni?" :) He may not have needed to hear the words but I needed to say them, and to his chunky face.
I think it worked too. The past two days between Logan and I have been great ones. I have gotten much less done, but I have had my son in my lap much more and have heard him whine much less. I have gone to bed at night savoring the way we played rocket ship, and how many books we read together, instead of upset with myself for how may times I snapped.
I am so humbled that I get to be a mother. I know how many people want this and don't get it; and many of them are probably much more deserving than I am. But I am not going to question different peoples trials and I am definitely not going to wish back the greatest blessing I have been given. I will however promise these women, just like I promised Heavenly Father and myself to make a greater effort every day to take full advantage of my calling. Nothing I do is so important as playing rocket ship. Nothing.