Monday, May 13, 2013

Mothers Day

 photo IMG_0765_zps56e3692f.jpgI have never thought much about Mothers Day in the past. As a kid it was the day that you do something nice for your mom- and the holiday where you can get away with giving a gift of just thought. Pretty sure my mom has had multiple gifts from me that were just long letters. From the heart I assure you.

 photo IMG_0766_zpse75393a5.jpg And now as a mom its a day to have my kid make ME stuff that makes me feel special :) I also call Mothers Day, "the day to never miss church because I get free chocolate." Awesome.

Until this year. The Saturday before Mothers Day Logan and I had a rough day. Lets face it- we have had a lot of those of late and they are NONE his fault. I am tired, sore, moody... I am the two year old in our relationship. I put Logan to bed and per usual, sat on the couch and started to think back on our day.
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And I cried. I felt awful. Even worse than usual because Mothers Day was the next day and I felt like I did not deserve to have a special day. I did not deserve a celebration. I had been an awful parent.

You may laugh and think all parents feel this way but I have to tell you- my feelings were really very profound. I dreaded mothers day because I KNEW I had not lived up to the roll. I felt so guilty and so low. Since I had just put my kid to bed, and I knew there was no way waking him up would make anything better- I wrote him a letter. A wordy three page letter about how amazing he is, how much I love him, and how I am not honored to be his mother, but rather how humbled I am by the roll.

 photo IMG_0769_zpsbbd210f9.jpgThere is a wonderful Conference talk by Elder Holland where he talks about how we as parents need to remember that our kids are on loan to us from Heavenly Father. Elder Holland is trying to make the point that the Lord will never leave them alone and is with our children as much as he is with us. But what it reminds me of is that the two year old presence in my house is not a sticky mad haired creature- but a son of the most high. It makes me remember how sacred my gift in raising him is.

 photo IMG_0770_zpsf4db3656.jpgEvery day I spend with Logan I can feel of his potential. Every parent says their child is so "special" but maybe that's because they all are. How more special can you get than the son or daughter of a God? I can feel the Lord watching Logan and His pleasure with my little sons progression. I know how much He loves Logan and it is a love that I can never hope to have, so strong is it.

Writing the letter really helped me. And I went into Mothers Day not hoping to feel special because of a gift I have been given, but to prove to myself and my son that I deserved the honor of having that gift. I have never realized so profoundly that "Mother" is not something I am just because I gave birth. Mother is a title that I have to earn, and I have to keep earning.

Later that night I got a great blessing in the form of Logan waking up (what who knows from.) I took advantage and while I rocked him on my lap I whispered in his ear everything I love about him- how amazing he is to me. Logan sleepily repeated back to me my words and then finally grabbed my face and said, "Ni-ni?" :) He may not have needed to hear the words but I needed to say them, and to his chunky face.

 photo IMG_0771_zps01b4f301.jpg I think it worked too. The past two days between Logan and I have been great ones. I have gotten much less done, but I have had my son in my lap much more and have heard him whine much less. I have gone to bed at night savoring the way we played rocket ship, and how many books we read together, instead of upset with myself for how may times I snapped.

I am so humbled that I get to be a mother. I know how many people want this and don't get it; and many of them are probably much more deserving than I am. But I am not going to question different peoples trials and I am definitely not going to wish back the greatest blessing I have been given. I will however promise these women, just like I promised Heavenly Father and myself  to make a greater effort every day to take full advantage of my calling. Nothing I do is so important as playing rocket ship. Nothing.

Wednesday, May 8, 2013

Not So Serious

Sometimes I find parenting to be an absolutely hilarious thing. Don't worry- I take it seriously. Probably too seriously as would be any mothers problem. But more often than anything I look back on my parenting accomplishments of the day and while I feel VERY accomplished- I laugh at myself for feeling that way because  well, some of the things I feel accomplished for teaching my child are pretty ridiculous.

For example, Today:
I get in our fridge A LOT in the course of a day. Refilling Logan's milk, my juice, Adams water, eating snacks, making meals... and I was taught by my parents that you NEVER leave a fridge open. Which means when I am refilling a cup we open the fridge, take out the milk. Close the fridge. Pour the milk, recap it. Then open the fridge again, put the milk back in, and close again. An ordeal. Lots of opening and closing.

Logan, who is the most helpful two year old, LOVES to shut the fridge. In fact, he delights in seeing HOW HARD he can get that thing to shut. I snapped a little today because this "rough" behavior has led to more than one spill or broken jar and I ask- is there anything much worse to clean out than a fridge?

So I took it upon myself to teach Logan to close the fridge softly. We have been working on it since 6am. Finally, at 3pm, he has gotten VERY excited by seeing how little he can touch the door, and get it to close. VERY excited.

I was in the bathroom (drinking my water while peeing, yes, welcome to pregnancy) reveling in how happy I was that I had taught him to not only shut the fridge in a proper way, but to be really happy about it. This of course led to me think- "Wow, what has my life become when I am excited that the one thing I did today was teach a two year old how to close a fridge?"

Well I am a mom that's what :) And while in the course of my kids life I will probably feel like I failed when I see him date the wrong girl, fail a test, bully someone (okay, this is MY kid so its more like- GET bullied) crash his car, etc etc, at least I can always feel good that he doesn't slam doors right? Just as my parents can stand back and go- "Well, she has some pretty rough spots, but hey- did you see how she never leaves the fridge door open? THAT'S our girl!"

(I wonder if sometimes they feel bad that they never did get me to make my bed... that is a rule that at 27 I still delight in breaking every single day of my life. If my bed is made- its only cuz I just washed the sheets :)

Sunday, May 5, 2013

Limbo

 photo IMG_0756_zpsb364007d.jpgWhat is kinda sad is that I had to go onto my blog and see what was in my last few posts to even remember what I had written about and what I hadn't. Pregnancy brain here to the max.

So first- what we thought was going to be our amazing apartment for our move in May, turned out to be a not very good place to live (according to police dispatch.) We had a VERY stressful week trying to find a new place. But apparently in Martinsburg there are two places- bad neighborhood and affordable or super safe and REALLY expensive. Finally  after the advice of both our parents and the approval of some loans, Adam and I opted for nice and spendy- which is very not us but we are super excited to be moving on up from college student living status :) We have no school loans so far, so this will be a first for us, but at least it will be small and easy pay offable.

 photo IMG_2777_zps07a4f04c.jpgThe one clinch in our previous plan is that since we had to start looking for a new place so last minute, we wont be moving until JUNE 12 now, instead of May. It'll be fine- a little stressful because I will be six weeks till birth so I will be able to do LITERALLY nothing to help. And Adam will be one week away from taking his boards so there will be quite a bit of anxiety there.  But yesterday we drove to Martinsburg for a hospital open house and to see our place and it will be VERY worth the wait :)

Of course, now I am in limbo for a month with half of my stuff in boxes and my well planned moving schedule out of wack :)

Lets see what else... since the beginning of April Adam has turned 27 :) We did a very simple at home celebration with gifts and cupcakes all just us on his actual birthday- but not much more cuz the next day was an exam day. But, we went out to dinner the next night which was great.
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It has finally warmed up here- we went from 30's to 70's in maybe four days. Weird. But enjoyable- our apartment pool is not quite ready yet, so any warm day there is Logan and I have been heading for the parks to be in the sun and leave Adam with some quiet study time.
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And when it is not sunny we of course find ourselves in the pet stores around town. This is Logans favorite thing to do. Big fan of frogs here. And watching puppies get hair cuts.
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My wonderful friend Nikki threw me a baby shower at the end of April- it was awesome! And I felt super lame when I got home and realized I took only one picture. One. But, little Monica now has all of her clothes (through 6 mo at least) and all of her bedding. All that's really left are things that I want but don't necessarily need... a double stroller, an electric nasal aspirator, a booster seat for Logan, a temporal thermometer.... you know all those things that you thought with baby one would be a waste and then you discovered you wanted them WAY BAD?
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We also spent a fun family home evening with our friends the Luckywolds out bowling and then for Blizzards. Logan LOVED to throw the ball- but once he realized he couldn't chase it down the alley all he was interested in was getting high fives and throwing more balls :) BTW- since when did bowling become expensive?
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Adam has his last exam on Wednesday- he has passed all of them so far with flying colors and finally, today, is feeling pretty good and confident as a doctor :) That'll pass in the next few weeks as he starts to stress out about Step One, but until the end of next week it will feel REALLY good :)

Logan is great- he has taken to hiding in the cupboards of Adams desk... hilarious. He also likes to play with some mini leggos I got him at the dollar store- every time he snaps blocks together he yells an excited "I did it!" This, by the way, also happened to be his first three word sentence :) When I took him to the doctor a week or two ago for his two year appt he was 27.5 lbs and 35 inches? 36? Still tall, thin, and curly haired.
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He is actually my big helper. Today he was having a melt down and I cured it by saying, "Logan, if we clean up your books and blocks then we can vacuum." Yeah- living room was clean in five minutes. Logan LOVES to clean. He loves to watch me cook, which actually freaks me out, but I let him stir the batter of the muffins when we make them... which is more like constant spoon licking than actual stiring on his part. He LOVES to take Clorox wipes and wipe things clean for me. He also likes to hold things for me when we are in the grocery store. I just have to be careful with that cuz if its a bag of marshmallows that thing will be opened and half devoured before I even notice. Live and learn.

I am about to hit third trimester and all those lovely big fat symptoms are coming early- nausea again, exhaustion... big fat swollen feet... I am so grateful to be pregnant... but I will be more grateful when I am holding my daughter and not having her pounding my bladder from the inside :) I have my lovely diabetes appt tomorrow. (why cant the yucky drink taste like coke I ask? Coke and brownies- that's all I want right now :)

Besides being tired and being a lame wife and mother because I never get anything done- I actually have been great. How could I not be with someone who works as hard as Adam and takes as much time as he does to make sure I am alright? And with someone as cute as Logan to keep me company. Whenever I am resting in the couch, guaranteed there my son will be with a pile of books. Or sometimes with a blanket and puppy so I can go "ni-ni!" (night- night.)
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I am also working on repainting some of our furniture (in a well ventilated area I assure you.)  I got a little tired out in the sanding stage but I am pretty sure my Mothers day gift is a Power Sander so I am pretty excited for that :) I am also novel editing, and getting excited for my new Tamora Pierce book to come in the mail. (Yes, I buy almost all of her books in real copy because they are so good they deserve a place on an actual shelf.)