Friday, January 18, 2013

Theory of History

I have a good friend who writes a great blog. The funny thing about this friend is that she and I have only met in real life like... twice? Maybe three times. But she is married to a man who used to be one of my greatest friends. I say used  because, don't tell the man, but I love his wife now WAY more than I ever loved him. :) Despite his fantastic hair. (Heather knows it- her hubs has great hair. Though Adams is better. :)

Anyways. She wrote a short blog today about how 2012 was a crisis year for her but it was good because she really learned who she was. At first I thought it was sad that she never learned that earlier- I thought that I had learned it in 8th grade. But then I felt guilty for such a thought because I remembered one of the greatest lessons in life that I have ever learned.

When I went to England I had a professor named Bennion who taught us, (this is the extremely shortened version,) that we should always question ourselves, our world, even our religion to make sure that we really think and believe what we think and believe.

Some people think this is nuts. They think- well if you are always questioning how do you ever know anything? The short answer is that well... we never really know anything. (Could I get more existential?)

The comforting answer is that what is great about this is that there are some things that no matter how many time you question and test and try you ALWAYS come back to the same conclusions  For instance- no matter how many times I think and consider the Gospel- I always get the same answer. Its true. I fully believe that because I have thought to re-look my testimony so many times, and have always come out with the same answer, it is why I feel so strongly about the church I am a part of.

The other great thing is that it means we as people are always adaptable. For instance, in 2007 I wrote a very long personal essay about the fact that I am not thin. (It wasn't very good.)

Swing to 2009. Guess what? I AM thin. I may not be super model thin- In fact if I ever get under 142 lbs I stop my period so I will never be SUPER thin- but that does not mean that I'm not in fact, a thin person. I am. I am thin- I am fit- I can run a 5k in 30 minutes.

There are things I know about myself because they have been a part of me since I can remember- because every time I test them I come back to the same answer. I am loud. I am a Mormon. I am a romantic. I write.

There are things that I thought I knew about myself that I have found are not true. I love kids (only my own.) I hate rock (I have a secret passion for the right kind.) I NEED people (Adam, and my son. Fin.)

And there are new things that I have discovered about myself within just the past few years. I have road rage. I have a love for murder books (not weird, child raping kind. Like assassinating the bad guy kind.) I hate doing dishes. And I am a GOOD writer. (A damn good one if you will allow me to think that about myself.)

I guess I was thinking how grateful I am to Heather for reminding me that there is no end to self discovery or recovery. That each life challenge we face, that each year we turn we are SUPPOSE to change and grow and meld and become something. Parts of us will always be the same because we have been that way for eternity. But the rest of us is meant to adapt to the challenges and windfalls that come our way.

The start of 2012 was hard for me too- it was the first time in my life that I dealt with real factual depression. But looking back I learned how far I can handle things myself, and when to call in the cavalry  I learned my limits. As strange as it sounds- I learned when to give up and just turn my life over to someone greater than me. I also learned what it meant to be truly grateful and how THAT is what leads to true happiness- the kind that powers you through true darkness. I learned that when you ask for the right kind of blessing- you get it.

When I look back at 2012 I don't think about how hard it was- and I am not saying that to brag. I mean truly- more than thinking about what my spirit and body went through- I think about how much joy my mother, my siblings, my husband, my son brought me. I think about the real friends I can lean on. I think about the talents that the Lord gave me specifically to soothe my own soul. As Elder Eyring would say, "to give me a task."

I look forward to 2013 to bring me greater joys but I start most years that way. Really what I look forward to is another year in the Heavenly Blessed life that I lead- with my calm, comforting, understanding, husband. With my loving, easy going, happy son. With my supportive family. With my comforting, loving, steadfast friends.

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