Saturday, September 8, 2012

Confessions of not all a depressing kind

I have been a downer this year. The people who love me the most will say I have been just fine. The people who understand me the most will shrug their shoulders and tell you that it makes sense. Poor people like Adam are stuck somewhere in both worlds :)

Since my miscarriage in January I have been avoiding all new moms, pregnant women, new babies, baby showers and everything like that in general. The only exceptions have proved to be family and the people who I feel understand what I feel. (Aka have been through a miscarriage or infertility of any kind.)

Every month since January when I have started my period has added a week of self indulgence junk eating which hasn't helped me feel better about myself in general. Though it tastes amazing and helps in the moment :) (Amazingly enough I am still smaller than when I got married. Go figure.) Its depressing to loose a child. Its awful to have trouble getting pregnant added on top of that.

I've been avoiding friends, phone calls, and kind of have drawn inside myself in general. Talking about it doesn't help. I'm tired of people telling me and Adam to see a doctor. We don't have the money and really, its too soon. I'm tired of hearing it will happen. Yeah... speak for yourself.

Really? It is all self indulgence. The Lord has promised me that if I do what I should I WILL have another kid. But in His time not mine. Which means Logan and my next child might be a few years apart instead of the hoped for 18 months.

Which means I need to be faithful and keep an eternal perspective and be grateful for what I already have, not what I am lacking.

Those of you who think I am "awesome" for thinking like this are SO mistaken. Its taken me all of the past 9 months to realize that I have been spoiled and petulant, and what loving parent wants to help their kid when they act like that?

What I am actually writing to say is that today has been an amazing day. Maybe it was the great dream that I cant wait to write into a novel, maybe its because it was 65 degrees, totally overcast and pouring down rain ALL DAY. (for most of you that is depressive weather but for a true blood Oregonian that is BLISS. Way better than sunshine.)

I was leaving Sams Club with my huge Coke and was stopped behind a woman who was sending her husband out into the rain to get their car so she didn't have to carry out their brand new baby who was sitting in her carrier.

As I passed by I peaked into her cart to see the most perfect and beautiful baby boy in the world.

That's when it happened.

Instead of being filled with hatred towards this woman for having a perfect gift that I want so bad- all I wanted to do was ask her if I could cuddle the thing. Cuddle it and give it back to her mind you. I just wanted to smell it. I just wanted to tell her how lucky she was and how she was starting what would be the most beautiful part of the rest of her life.

Its a start. I still feel a pang of jealousy when I read on facebook that someone new is pregnant. Which is why I am not on there much anymore. I still eat a whole bowl of cookie dough the day I start my period but it only lasts a day now.

And I try to spend time each morning sitting back and watching, looking at the perfect gift I already have. My perfectly formed and healthy son. My totally happy boy. My husbands mini me. The kid that is just so darn excited to be alive he spontaneously starts to dance.

Being a mom is the second best part of my life. (Adam is the first of course.) I thank my Heavenly Father every day for what I already have. I couldn't love being a mother more and sometimes I feel incredibly selfish for wanting an even bigger piece of that cake.

Lets put it this way. That cake is SOO good I wouldn't mind 6 more slices. But I am SO grateful to just have that one. And I was SUPER happy and humbled today to realize that it has taken me 26 years to reach the maturity level of an 8 year old and just enjoy what I already have.

4 comments:

  1. I love you Sarah! It will get better...as far as doctor stuff if you guys have Tricare it shouldn't cost much, if anything. Although I don't know if you have military insurance yet..just a thought. (we started doing something similar at the beginning of the year) good luck!

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  2. I love you Sarah! I understand what you mean. I'm still having trouble pulling myself out of my shell. Infertility and miscarriages can turn any one into an introvert. Church is especially hard, especially when pregnant women complain. (I mean, really... complain to your husband, but don't tell me... I'd give anything to be that miserable!)It hasn't really gotten any easier, but something that has helped me is what I call the PICKLE JUICE PROJECT. Look up Elder Holland's talk from last conference on laboring in the vineyard. He has a great line about drinking pickle juice. The moment he said those words I knew that every time I was jealous or upset at people who complained about their pregnancy or their kids I knew I was drinking pickle juice. Now, when I start to get that tight feeling in my heart and stomach (You know the one) and I start to get upset, I just say "Pickle Juice, Pickle Juice, Pickle Juice" and I remember that we will all get paid the same at the end of the day-- in the grand eternal life every woman will get to be a mother of many whether they labor(wait)for a few months, a few years, or a lifetime. I know that you are a great mom and that you know you are blessed to have Logan, but I also know that it doesn't make the pain any less piercing, the emptiness less heavy. I will be praying for you. I know it will happen for both of us on the Lord's time... I just hope that it's soon! LOVE YOU!!!

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