Wednesday, May 16, 2012

Defying the laws

I know that our bodies were made in such a way that if we eat too much junk, we gain weight. I know its that way so we stay healthy and live to fulfill out destiny's. (Ive been watching too much Merlin- that word is on the brain.) So there is a reason that our bodies were made to retain weight.

But I also wonder, if there could be a "legitimate female meltdown clause". This would be used for moments like a negative pregnancy test. Mothers Day when you don't have kids. Valentines day when you don't have a someone. Your period. Getting dumped. Having to go out with a creeper. Having to go up a size in pants. A run in your only pair of tights. Ripping your favorite shirt.

In those moments I think, as women, we should be able to consume as many calories as we want, and never gain anything. I think maybe female bodies in time of extreme sadness or stress, the hormones that trigger those things should also trigger an upsurge in our metabolism allowing us to burn off the amount of an entire gallon of chocolate ice cream in the time it takes to eat it.

I am just saying that sometimes, as women, there are stresses in our lives that men don't get. And I am tired of my husband eyeing my evening snackie (though he is sweet, AND smart enough to not say a word) and then I am tired of the scale saying it for him the next morning.

I WANT to eat the whole pan of cookies, ALRIGHT?!

I mean, men work out for one week and are RIPPED. Why does it take me a week to loose a single pound?

And men get to pee standing up!!

And don't tell me that women get to have kids. True, motherhood is the balm to most illnesses and is the best thing in the world. But motherhood is sometimes the very TRIGGER to these female only maladies that men don't understand. I am sorry baby but even if you get fat enough to understand stretch marks (unlikely) you will NEVER understand leaking through a t-shirt in the grocery line.

Basically, I want ice cream right now, and am mad because this morning I realized I need to LOOSE maybe 15 or 20 lbs and frankly, though I want to fit into my shorts- I don't want to loose weight. I just want to eat my ice cream and ride my bike and be fine.

(I know it works like that in your head- but the ice cream eating and calorie burning ratio have to meet and the amount of ice cream I want to eat right now wouldn't be burned off in my normal workout session.)


  1. Amen! Sometimes I wish that we all could just have perfect looking healthy bodies without doing anything for it. I wish I could eat whatever I wanted whenever I wanted, without feeling bad or sick afterwards and without any negative effects. Wouldn't that be the life?

  2. Bahahaha.... I agree with you 100% :) This made me laugh so much. Sarah you are such a good writer. You express things so well!

  3. oh man i understand. this is going to sound really stupid and i'm probably going to get struck down for it, but i used to wish i'd contract some sort of disease that made my body burn thousands of extra calories a day so i'd have to eat pizza and cookie dough in order to even maintain a normal weight. haha :)

    i don't know if guys just aren't as prone to emotional eating or if they don't have as many triggers or what but at the end of a long day, baking myself a batch of something amazing always sounds like the best way to wind down. in fact, at this very moment i'm trying not to wander into the kitchen and make something.

    yet silas never seems to struggle with this. (plus he can eat 3 pints of ben and jerry's and an entire pizza and it will make no difference in his weight)

    and he seems to have some sort of mechanism (probably called abdominal muscles, haha) that keep him from looking pregnant when he eats in such a fashion. i, however, can look realistically pregnant after eating a normal dinner.

    and while i'm listing the unfair things of the world, guess who has skin that's so stretchy and elastic it's almost creepy? silas.

    guess who does not have stretchy skin? me.

    guess who bore 2 children and is covered in stretch marks? me.

    i was looking through old pictures the other day and i found one of me, early in my pregnancy with tesla, that showed my bare stomach (pre-stretch marks), and i just sat there and stared at it.

    i don't mean to be a downer--i've accepted most of this and i got over my stretch marks a long time ago. but it's still fun to commiserate and indulge in some good old-fashioned complaining. ;)