My friend Katie was brave enough to talk about this so I feel that I should be too. Part of me wants too, and the other part of me feels like I need too.
I miscarried at 2:00am on Thursday the 26th.
Adam and I found out I was pregnant on December 15th. It was a surprise, but we were excited. We told our families on Christmas morning. Per an agreement we made when we had our son, we told no one else, cause we were going to wait for a good healthy ultrasound.
Everything was great- in fact all my symptoms seemed to come on late. I scheduled my first doctors appt for Friday the 27 (today). All I was, was super super tired.
On Thursday January 19th I went to the bathroom and noticed a streak of very very light pink on the toilet paper when I wiped. I didn't worry about it. Spotting like this is super normal in a first trimester.
On Friday after I worked out I notice brown blood in my underwear. I research spotting then, and discovered that light pink and brown blood is totally okay, as long as it doesn't exceed the amount you would have in the beginning of your period. So I still didn't worry.
On Saturday every time I wiped I saw blood, brown and pink. This worried me a little and I was nervous all day. That night when I was putting Logan to bed the blood was deep red. I called every doc tors office- I just wanted to talk to someone. But since it was Saturday nobody was in, and Urgent Care wont help you unless you come in.
I have a tendency when I am hormonal and emotional to really over worry. So I didn't do anything. However, I also got about 2 hours of sleep i was so worried. After three horrific nightmares I came out to my couch and watched fell asleep to Friends at around 5.
We skipped church on Sunday because now there was blood every time I wiped, and more than there was before, though not more than at the beginning of a period, and it was dark red or brown, not bright red. My husband gave me an amazing Priesthood blessing in which he told me that everything was part of the Lords plan and that I would be safe. I was up sick with my son all Sunday night and got about 3 hours of sleep.
EARLY on Monday I called my Doctor. I asked if I could switch my doctors appointment from Friday to Monday because I was bleeding red and really worried. The receptionist said that all the appointments were booked. I responded with, "I'm not trying to get in early. I just want an emergency appointment. I am really scared. I will see anyone at any time." She said she couldn't do anything. I asked if I could just talk to the doctor for some comfort and she said no, but she would send a message to the nurses station.
The nurse said I seemed fine, but the fact that the blood was increasing was a little something to worry about. They said I would be fine until Wednesday but that if I was worried to just go to the ER. I went to the ER at 11am.
They did blood work. They did an internal ultrasound. They did a pelvic exam. I cried through everything. The doctor finally came in and told me based on my last period I should be almost 11 weeks along. But since I got pregnant after my first period after my first son, it was possible my cycle was weird and that the baby was at a younger gestational age. On the ultrasound they could see the sac, well attached, and a yolk inside. NO form, no heartbeat. Normal for a VERY young fetus. Not for 11 months.
So I was either much less far along than I thought, or my baby had stopped growing. They couldn't tell now so I they said I MUST have an appointment with my doctor on Thursday- they would put the orders in. The would check my HCG levels then to make sure that they were growing as they should.
When they left to get my discharge papers I broke down and sobbed. Ladies- some times you just know. And I knew. I knew when I had gotten my at home test- I knew my child had passed. I cried to my husband, I cried to my mother, and then I slept for almost 11 hours.
On Tuesday I called my Doctor and said I has been to the ER and the doctors said I needed an emergency Thursday appt. The receptionist said she would call me back. When she did the Doctor was talking through her to me and this was how the conversation went:
"The doctor has looked at your charts and he doesn't think you need to be seen until Monday."
Pause. "Well the ER said I MUST have an appt on Thursday to check my HCG levels and make sure everything is right."
"The doctor says the ER doesn't know that their talking about, you are fine as long as your are not cramping. We wont be able to tell anything until Monday."
"Doesn't HCG change every day? Won't you be able to see an increase by Thursday?"
"Not enough of one. We are cancelling your Friday appointment and will see you on Monday."
"With all due respect, I am bleeding much more now, and it is bright red. I am super scared. Can you please just keep my Friday appointment? Just for my own comfort?"
"No. We will see you on Monday."
I cried more. I was so mad. The doctor had never seen me- the ER had examined me. Wasn't it better to be over cautions? Isn't his job as on OB to give me comfort? Would it have been so hard to keep my already scheduled appt?
On Wednesday My mom called to check on me. With a sigh I told her I wasn't hoping. I knew in my heart that my child has passed. We cried together. I told her about the doctor. She said, "Sarah, if he wont see you until Monday you will probably pass this baby before that. That's why your bleeding is much heavier. There are some things you should know."
My mom's very first pregnancy was a miscarriage, and if she had NOT called me that day and told me what she did I would have freaked out later. There are a lot of things you never hear about miscarriages. One, is that they are PAINFUL. You do not cramp- your body goes into full on labor. And you dont get an epidural at 4 centimeters for comfort. You also not only bleed in a steady stream but you pass material-clots. Large ones. Were talking the size of your first.
By 6 pm on WEdnesday the 26th I started contractions. I started to pass clots the size of a lego man. By 8:30 when Adam and I were lying in bed I was in so much pain I was laying there curled up and moaning. Adam called our friends to come and watch LOgan and we went to the ER. The moment we got to the check in desk I felt something pass out of me and when I went to the bathroom I had started to pass clots the size of golf balls.
They took more blood. They gave me an IV. I sat in the bathroom until we got a room. I sat in the bathroom in our room. They gave me a pelivc exam and an abdominal ultrasound. The ER docs couldnt tell much so they sent for an OB team. In the meantime, I was in so much pain that they gave me a shot of morphione just "to take the edge off". And thats really all it did.
Note: I may be weak when it comes to pain. I only every got to a 4 with Logan before I had an eppy. So the pains I was having now, were WORSE than the contractions that I have EVER experienced with Logan. I also at this point, passed a clot the size of my fist. I was bleeding in a steady drip.
The OB team took us up to Labor and DElivery. They did an intense interal exam which was painful. Adam was amazing- he sat by my side and held my arms and showed me picture after picture of our adorable son. It worked- I even laughed it made me feel so much better.
They did an internal ultrasound and confirmed what I had known since MOnday. The fetus had stopped growing- I could see how the sac was deformed where it had started to decay. They told me there were three ways to progress with my miscarriage now- I could expell things naturally. (meaning satying in my bloody painful mess.) They could give me drugs to make me cramp more and expel things faster. Or they could do a procedure called a DC.
I had researched all this througoughly before- I knew what I wanted. I wanted this to be over, I wanted to get healthy, I wanted to move on. I opted for the DC.
Adam went home to relieve our sitters. The prepped me and by 3 am I was in the OR. It is NOT a scary procedure in the least. The put a hose in your nose (like a breathing hose) and the anethesia is in that. Basically you get sleepy, and fall asleep. Then the doctors go in vaginally, suck out everything in there, and then take a blunt metal rod and softly scrape the sides of your uterus. It takes about 20 minutes.
I was fully awake by four (the nurse said I had been talking- thanking all the doctors- non stop soince I had woken up in the OR :) I was in NO pain. They kept me for two hours to make sure I could keep down food and pee. Then Adam came at 7am and we went home.
Physically- I feel great. I am bleeding like a light period and they say that should last a week. They gave me tylenol for light cramps which they said are normal, and even some perkiset in case i just feel awful. (Ive been taking it at night with another pill to help my uterus shrinks that REALLY makes you cramp. Its nice to fall right to sleep.) I am taking it easy- a lot of time off my feet.
Emotionally- I am back and forth. I get attached to my kids quick. Adam and I pick out names before we even know I am pregant. This baby? If it was a boy it was going to be Aaron Parker. If it was a girl it was going to be Monica Diane. We will still probably use those names on other kids but- this child was real to me. I was already journalying for it. I had rearranged LOgans room to fit it. Adam and I were talking about buying fruinutre. WE had saved money for my mom to come and visit.
I had thought I was over it on Monday- done crying. But on THursday evening, I was reading a book the doctors had given me about dealing with a miscarraige and I cried for an hour. I wrote one last entry to the baby in its journal. I cried that I couldnt touch the cheeks I was so looking forward to kissing. I cried that I wouldnt see or hold the body I had already fallen in love with.
I put all its things in a box- the pictures we took with the pregnancy test. The journal. A wrap I had already bought. My hospital bracelets. I will save them all. Probably forever knowing me. I have a box or folder for all the people I have loved and lost. And I do look at them from time to time.
But I am not devistated. I have experienced the loss of a man I loved in the past, so I know grief. I know that you do not move past it, but learn to be happy even with it. I know the truthfulness of the ressurection, I belive in the plan of salvation.
I know myself well enough to know when to allow myself to be sad- when to cry,. And I know when I am in the danger zone and need to be happy. When that happens I have a chocolate chip cookie, I kiss Logan, I cuddle Adam, and we watch Friends.
My two best freinds here in West Virigina came over today to sit with me and LOgan and play for two hours. We talked about books and movies and all sorts of happy things. They derried my docror for me. And they kept me happy at the moment I knew I would sink. (Becasue today I was suppose to hear my babies heart beat and see its little arms and legs on an ultrasound.)
Adam and Logan have been amazing- I am so glad I have them. I cry as much for gratitude as I do out of sadness now.
But really- we are ok. I feel great- and I know I will pull out of this and return to normal. It will help when I can work out and can have sex again. (I dont care if that it TMI- it works. That is what a spouse and intimacy are there for- to make you feel loved, cared for, and hapopy.)
Adam and I will try again. The doctors say I need two normal cycles before we do, but they highly suggest getting pregnant again before August, when this baby was suppoise to be do. They said it will help me.
So be ready for that news this spring. :) Pray for us- but not more than anyone else. And love your families- the ones you have, the ones you've lost, and the ones you will have. They are the most important people in the world.