Sunday, September 18, 2011

All of Me

There is one certain part of myself that I have struggled with for a very long time. And that is somehow, getting all the totally different parts of myself to... mix together. I'm writing about this today because in reading all of my friends blogs, as I hopped from one to the other, I felt pangs of desire and guilt because of all the things I wanted to be/have and just knowing that I cant have them all at the same time. Though I want too.

The best way I can explain this is actually to tell you what my life was like the night Adam proposed to me.

I was in my senior year of college. And really I had, on the path of my life, come to not a fork but a tree.

Branch 1- stay in my literature classes. Peruse my written career. Go to Grad School. Be that woman in her ivy colored house with her words. (How much I still want this you will never understand. How jealous I am of my friends who are published makes me feel guilt all the time. I am happy for them- but very jealous.)

Branch 2- move to someplace and live with/near a friend who had introduced me to a world of fashion and glamor and speed and lights and excitement and fulfillment and hard work- a life I had loved since I was 13 and learned i had a fair hand at designing dresses. Its the side of me my friends laughed at when we went to London and they all stared at the old bui8ldings and I felt I would be lucky to tear myself away from the Burberry outlet. I really do miss the world of glamor. I try to keep it for myself but its hard the time of life I am in. I miss expensive clothes- bags that smell of leather- foreign restaurants with food I cant pronounce. Part of me very much does want to live the life of Vogue.

Branch 3- go on a mission. I wanted, and still want, the years of highest devotion a person can give- to concentrate and think solely on my religion- to serve, to teach, to bring light, to feel light myself. This path is easier to handle because I know I WILL have it someday, and because I DO live with some devotion every day. But sometimes I do feel like I have missed out on a certain depth of understanding with my faith, that could only have been gotten had I dedicated those 18 months when I was 21.

Branch 4- the branch I chose. Marriage- motherhood. Two things I have dreamed of since the moment I was born. I am not sad in the least I chose this branch. Don't think that. These past four years with Adam truly have been the very best of my life. I love him more than myself- I love US. Every single day I have with him and now with my son, are joys. Even when they are hard. Mostly because the good days more than make up for the bad ones. I know I made the right choice- and given the chance I would do the same thing over and over.

Sometime... I just miss all the other sides of me. Sometimes I do want to be everything at once. That's all.

3 comments:

  1. I remember talking about this in school and it was amazing how surprised the guys were that some of the girls actually had dreams beyond wife and mother. We finally realized that we had to have a dream we loved enough to pursue if marriage didn't happen but then not love it so much that if we gave it up for marriage we wouldn't miss it. It is a hard balance. I understand your feelings. I had a similar fork/tree when Eric and I got together as well.

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  2. Oh Sarah, you don't know how deeply this hit home. I love you so much! I see so much of myself in you sometimes. Haha :) I can't wait till one day I live close to you and can come over and blog with you, cook with you, do yoga with you, babysit with you, shop with you, everything! I miss you with every particle of my heart!

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  3. I think you are an amazing writer, even if you are not published yet. Emphasis on the yet. Because your blog posts are extremely well-written and insightful. They are poignant, every single time. Not an easy task. Love you.

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