Monday, August 22, 2011

Redefine

I had a strangely profound experience tonight and I am wondering how to explain it... I guess we will just go the same route my train of thought took me.

I had a bad day today. It was just long- a lot of driving Adam back and forth, a tired crying baby for most of the day, a lot of traffic, spaghetti sauce EVERYWHERE, and a disappointing weigh in. That was what really got to me. Granted, looking back I hadn't worked as hard as I could have last week to loose weight, and I still lost something, just not as much as I was really hoping for. And I just didn't have the right perspective today to be happy that at least I lost something at all.

So- after finally getting Logan to sleep around 8:30 tonight I comforted myself with vanilla pudding and a book. I have been reading Ann Rice. When I had Logan and Adam gifted me the I-Pad, he also gifted me a bunch of i-books by authors I have never tried. Don't ask what drew me to Ann Rice's Vampire Chronicles but heavens- it really sucked me in. And in a totally different way than Twilight. Its not a love story in the least.

It is a dark book- but not in a gross bloody way. More in- a deep way. Reflections on life and self and change and redemption and evil and waste and time and etc. I am nearing the very end of the book and the main character who has been suffering with trying to continue to be human the whole novel, at the part I am at, the main guy had finally succumbed to the fact that though he walks and experiences, he does not change because he is a vampire.

And as I was brushing my teeth and thinking about this, it just made me so happy to be- well human. Not that I would be anything else... but I was just reflecting on how glad I am that I can not only experience but internalize and grow and change, that life continues to be so deep- so full of facets.

And that took me to ponder on change... whether we really are capable of change, and at what age it becomes impossible- what parts of ourselves are unchangeable and etc. And you know what? I don't think there is anything that is unchangeable. If we have the faith, and the confidence in ourselves, and the desire to be something different- we can do it.

My evidence that this is true? Because I am no longer the chunky girl.

Laugh all you want- but this is really how I have defined myself my whole life. When I was in England my TA had me write an essay titled what I am, and it has proven to be profound to me in many ways. But one of the things I wrote? I am not thin.

I was driving home from the library with a new friend the other day and we were talking about food or something like that- and I referred to myself as the perpetually chunky. And I saw her eyes roll over me, then roll back and she laughed and disagreed.

And it stopped me. These people here? They have no idea that once, simply for the love of cookies, I let myself reach 190 pounds. They have no idea how many times in the past I have dieted and worked to be thinner. They don't know how hard I have worked to love exercise, but see that now as just a part of me. They think that I have always eaten a lot of fruit and loved squash.

I opened a photo album on my computer and started to look back on pictures from when I was 190. I see my smile and my eyes and my hair- this person that is definitely me- and yet at the same time I couldn't see myself. After struggling for 11 years on something, even accepting it... I then changed.

I am not chunky. I am thin. I have 10-20 pounds to where I get to where I want to be- but I am also in a great place. I am doing what I need to, to get where I need to be. Heck- when I was disappointed tonight I didn't sink into a bowl of ice cream and Snickerdoodles. Both of which are currently in my house! I had a cup- not a whole box but just a cup- of fat free pudding made with Skim milk.

I AM DRINKING SKIM MILK.

You think I would have figured this out when I was at my goal weight- when I was reveling in being truly thin for the first time. Maybe it had to be fitting back into my skinny pants to make me realize that those jeans weren't just a one time fling- they are a part of me.

And maybe it isn't the numbers on the scale that really tell me that I am no longer the chunky girl. But it is the fact that I am drinking skim milk. It is the fact that I spend half my grocery budget in the produce department. It is the fact that I pay attention to my fiber intake. I have lost weight in the past without "changing". But I have made the lifestyle change- which is how I can know that I am not the chunky girl anymore.

And so what if the thin girl only lost a pound this past week. In the long scheme of things it doesn't matter so much because- well- a thin girl can handle a lesser weight loss. Because she is already thin.

(Sometimes when I ramble on like this is makes so much sense to me, and is so meaningful to me, but I wonder if it makes sense to anyone else? Let me know if I need to stop writing blogs at 11:00pm at night about the things I ruminate on while I brush my teeth :)

3 comments:

  1. Sarah, I think this is one of the most honest and raw posts I've read on your blog and I LOVED it. What a great thought, to be grateful to be human to be able to experience progress and change. And yes, you are totally thin girl.

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  2. my favorite posts are your ramblings. And I think you rock.

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