Sunday, April 24, 2011

Mothering With Testimony

Again, not AT ALL posting what I was planning on posting :)

I am LDS/ Latter Day Saint/ Mormon. This we all know. What I have been thinking a lot about lately, and have spent a lot of time being grateful for, are the things my religion teaches me. The basic things that probably most Christian religions teach its followers.

What I have been thinking about is... how in the world do people parent, without faith in some sort of deity? Something higher than themselves. Without prayer? Without something bigger to give them strength when they loose it all?

I love my son. SO much. But there are days, and nights, where he wants to eat every hour, and never sleep in between. Days when I am tempted to put dymatap into a bottle and feed it to him to give me JUST AN HOUR without his tears. Logan and I have AMAZING days and AMAZING moments together. But there are some really hard ones too. (Mostly connected to him crying and not sleeping haha! Or him wanting to eat too much and me being too sore to let him.)

My experience this week. Fed Logan a full meal. Set him down for a nap. He was asleep and darling. For maybe... 20 minutes. tears, screaming... bouts of feeding and trying to get him to nap from 6 am to noon. It basically turned into- feed a little (not much because he was SO tired he couldn't keep himself awake enough to eat well) then try to put to sleep. But wake up 15 to 20 minutes later because he is hungry. (Because he didn't eat much, because he was tired. Such a vicious cycle.) So try to eat, scream for an hour, then repeat.

I seriously was just strung out. I was overwhelmed thinking I had no idea what to do- how to give him what he wanted and get him to do what he needed to to make himself feel better (I have a feeling I am going to feel like this A LOT when I have teens) so I set Logan in his bassinet. Yeah- still screaming. I put my head in my hands and said:

Heavenly Father, what do I do? How do I help? Please give me the patience and understanding I need. And help me know what to do.

DUmbest prayer ever. But very sincere I can assure you. And full of faith.

Maybe 30 seconds later I stood to pick LOgan up- and was just OVERWHELMED with the most ridiculous mother-love. (It is ridiculous- any love that makes you cry because something is cute is ridiculous. Doesn't mean its not awesome though.) I did start to cry- I just felt so bad for him, and I just loved him so dang much, and his little eyes were so red from crying and not sleeping...

I went to the last resort. He needed a great meal to fill him to put him too sleep. Since he had been snacking so much I didn't have it in me. So, with little feelings of guilt, I filled a bottle of formula. (Yup- and I don't care. Formula is just as good.) He drank it down- then napped for two hours. He napped so good and was so sweet and I was still so full of this love the Lord had given me I almost wanted to scoop Logan up and just cradle him. (I didn't for fear of waking him in the process. We cuddled lots when he DID wake though, and had a super rest of the day.)

Sometimes i hear the Lords voice in my mothers voice, all in my head. It was saying, "Stop being stupid, and don't feel guilty for giving your kid a bottle if you both need it."

If you don't have prayer in your life, if you don't have faith- how in the world, unless you were born saintly, do you deal with those moments? How do you just- know what to do? How do you find unearthly love, and the unearthly patience? And not just in the role of the parent- in any part of your life? I just marvel at the idea of parenting without the religion I have in my life, because that is the situation I am in right now. I also don't know how people get through college or marriage without the same blessings faith brings to them.

I am so grateful that I KNOW there is a God. How could I NOT know it, when I see Him, and feel Him, blessing me and my little family every single day? I know I am not a smart enough, strong enough, kind enough, or patient enough person to get through the challenges I have in life if it weren't for His help. In fact, some times I am pretty sure I am given challenges just so I have to rely on Him so I always remember, and am always so sure that He is there.

And I am glad he is. And I am pretty sure Logan is too otherwise he would STILL be hungry :)

3 comments:

  1. Sarah I can totally relate to that feeling. It is so hard to get the hang of being a mother and I can say with all honesty after 2 kids and another on the way, I still have not gotten the "hang" of it. One thing I know is that I NEVER feel guilty for doing what I feel is right for my kids. Regaurdless of what others may think or feel is right for them!! You are doing great! Hang in there :)

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  2. Praying (no matter how dumb you thought the prayer was) really was the smartest thing to do. Sometimes it is really hard to think when a baby has been fussing and crying for hours on top of both mom and baby being tired. Logan is really blessed to have a mother who prays for guidance on how to take care of him and help him be happy.

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  3. love :) happy easter... hope that you guys are doing so well!!

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