Does it ever surprise you that nothing in life ever goes 100% perfect? Its like that law of science that there always has to be as much good as there is bad.
Life has been SO good for Adam and I since moving to Tennessee. We love the ward, we are getting callings (new for a change), we really feel like we have taken a spiritual step up. We are both working great jobs at full time hours meaning that financially we are doing great- paying off debt and having a little fun. We are working around the house and making ourselves useful. We are taking every weekend to have fun together, growing closer to one another. We are making friends with people in church and connecting with Adams old buddies. Adam is applying for med school with very high hopes.
And yet- though everything has been going so well I have been in an emotional funk for the past few weeks. I know it will pass- it is just one of those things you know? I have been having some health problems (girl wise). No nothing serious but enough that it kind of curdles in the back of my mind. I love my job but I am kind of out of my comfort zone and I worry a lot that I am not doing a good enough job, or that I am doing something wrong. Its the first job I haven't automatically excelled at and its hard for me.
Also, my work schedule is really strange and so I haven't found a good time to work out despite my newly acquired gym pass. That combined with the fact that southern women cant cook without Crisco... I have gained a few pounds. Nothing I cant get rid of without a little a work but- it doesn't help the old self esteem to see the numbers on the scale rise.
The south is a VERY different place from the Northwest and politically, and even socially I am also a little out of my element. I love that being Mormon gives me something to offer again, but it is harder to connect with people than it was in the past. I have also been really stressing about being seen in a perfect light since these are all of Adams friends and family and I don't want to be the bum wife you know? We all have friends with bum spouses- you know what I mean.
This is not a woe is me post. Quite the contrary- writing it all out makes me look at myself and think how ridiculous I am being. But- sometimes you KNOW what you are feeling is absurd and yet- you feel it anyways. Despite it all. I just have been feeling very out of place, a little lonely, a little chubby (don't laugh- I know I am not but everyone has fat days. Even super models), and inadequate.
The funny thing is- I hadn't even admitted all of these feelings to myself despite the few cry sessions I have had in the past few days- until tonight when I got an email from my little sister.
It was very unexpected and I almost wondered if she wrote it for a Young Women's goal or something until I remembered that she already got her medallion. Instead, today sometime when she was bored, my sister wrote me an email and told me how amazing she thought I was, how much she loved me, and all these wonderful things about me that she loved and that made her glad we were related. Little things about me that had nothing to do with the things I was worried about, but that made me feel very very validated.
I cried. Again. I think I may be worrying Adam :) It made me think about how nothing in life can ever be perfect. Now that our situation is close to perfect, I do not feel perfect with myself, personally. And yet- during all those times, no matter what part of life that doesn't meet up with all the rest of the great things going on- the Lord still sends us a little push to make it feel like for just five minutes, that maybe the world IS 100%. That we are 100%.
I am so grateful for my sister. That across the country and a three hour time difference, she has enough spirit at 17 to know when her older sister needs a little love. I am grateful to her for tonight, before I fall asleep to start a new day tomorrow- I feel 100%. Well... at least 98%.