Sunday, December 13, 2009

Children Confession Part 1

Do you ever have so much you want to say that you feel you need to put it in one or more posts? That's how this kind of goes down- I want to tell you my second story about the reunion but it needs background info first.

Kids. Adam and I have always wanted a big family. Wanted and were divinely mandated :) When I was younger I used to tell people I wanted 10 kids. I DEFINE myself by being a mother. I was called mother when I was a freshman. Big Nick at the reunion actually introduced me to his wife by telling me I was their mom while they were away from theirs. I had another friend tell me when he took pants home to be fixed by his mother she said to him angrily, “Dayne, I can't do this! I am not Sarah Ray.”

My friends- that is what makes me proud. When I was in England and we were giving each other totem animals I was unanimously declared to be mother bear despite my misgivings. They said it was because I was nurturing, great to cuddle with, and a little protective.

Enter January 2009. I had a snowboarding accident which, exasperated by birth control caused me to have a pulmonary embolism. They put me on a medication called Warfin for 6th months (till July) and said they would see how I was then.

Here is thing about Warfrin. It causes severe defects in a fetus. So, I would have had to stop the medication if I got pregnant, which could kill me. Which means if I had gotten pregnant, I would have had to consider abortion.

I can say this all comfortably now because I spent months brooding on it, thinking of it every day. The best thing happened- I went off my meds in July and I am now fine. But in January- even in April- I had no idea of that. And I feared the absolute worst which would have been that in July the doctor would have decided I needed more time with my blood thinners, and that would keep happening until it happened my whole life long and I virtually lost the ability to bear my own children.

It tore me to shreds. For months. I felt like I had lost something so wholly me. Luckily, I had a women's literature class that semester and it taught me realize how wrong I was to define myself through my womb and its products, and helped me to see femininity in a different light. What really helped the transformation was Adam.

I remember one night when I was on the couch, stressed, tired, and sobbing about my broken self, dreams, identity. And he said to me, “Sarah, I don't care if we have kids. I don't even care if we adopt.” He sat next to me, he put his arms around me and said, “I just want to be with you forever.”

It was an amazing sentiment. And it made me so grateful that Adam is the type of a man that does not view our lives and relationship as a family, or as a couple. It's just us, him and me, as we have been for years.

2 comments:

  1. :) In truth, it will always be you and Adam, no matter what. It is a brutal, brutal struggle to try to have children, or to worry/wonder about how things are going to work out. It was a rollercoaster for about a year and a half...and it was so hard, for me and for our marriage-because we felt that it was time to start our family, but it wasn't working out. I am so glad that things are fine and that you were able to go off the meds...and still be fine. I'm very interested in Part 2. Keep writing...

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  2. Wow! I had no idea about your accident and the results from it! You are amazing! I admire your optimistic attitude even through it all. Like Lindsay said, I'm really interested in your part 2 too!

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